But this jargon refers to the rationale behind why the thoughts and feelings we experience exist. The talk of value and benefits on offer sounds calculated and coldhearted. To the extent we can make ourselves valuable to each other, we will have a vested interest in keeping each other around, which comes in handy during times of misfortune. Your increased valuation of me can then lead me to care more about you, and so forth. If I demonstrate that I value you, then, all else equal, it pays for you to value me in return. What begins as a mere platitude, though, can snowball into a deep engagement. Signals of their gratitude are promising indicators of a bite anger and annoyance are indicators of a lost lure. Friendships tend to begin when one individual perceives value in another and performs a beneficent act: “You can borrow my phone if you need to make a call” “Can I help you carry that?” These actions serve as a fishing line, cast out to see if the target individual might be in the market for a new friend. Benefits can include the usual suspects of prestige, status and attractiveness, but there are myriad reasons why you might value another person: they are of the same political party, they like the same kinds of foods, they like to golf, surf or play chess, or they enjoy talking endlessly about Star Wars. The evolution of friendships relied on the ability to recognize the unique benefits other people have on offer. But how do we make other people care-that is, redirect their time, money and social benefits to us instead of themselves or their kin?

Friendships are an important class of relationships that evolved in response to the benefits of having additional people beyond family invested in one’s welfare. Some relationships can withstand intense stress others break like brittle bones.Īs an evolutionary psychologist, I have conducted research on social relationships and emotions for over 20 years. Indeed, over the past year, I’ve experienced the gratifying strengthening of relationships with people not previously in close orbit, but also the distressing unraveling of relationships I had thought beyond question. In fact, the ironic implication is that during times of good fortune, we might be less certain of who our friends really are and only glean this insight during times of hardship. Flush times, when all is going well, do not provide the clarifying moments that enable us to see who will come to our aid when the chips are down. They enable us to discern fair-weather friends from friends tried and true. Strange as it might sound, severe downturns are watershed moments. When severe trouble strikes, whether it be a death in the family, divorce, lost fortune, public cancellation or global crisis, true friends rise above the posers.

As awful as 2020 was, its ability to reveal the genuine strengths and weaknesses of our relationships was an unexpected boon.

Friendship the evolution biology